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Happiness is hard for me

This may come as a huge surprise for some, but, I haven’t always been a happy person. I spent YEARS of my life depressed. I felt constantly stressed and invisible. I felt anxiety around my own life and my children’s lives. I battled chronic headaches/migraines. I wasn’t healthy mentally, physically or emotionally. I have never been suicidal ( I actually had a huge fear of death until the modern day medicine woman, Amber Jane Arquette literally helped to heal and erase that fear!) but I had many days where I just didn’t feel like I wanted to be alive. Life was hard. Life was scary. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. No, this wasn’t every single day for years. But this was too many days. Too many days of mine were spent crying in my closet. Too many days were spent desperately wanting a restart button. The truth is, I didn’t know what to do to change it. I didn’t know how to find my voice, how to love myself, how to build up my confidence.

To the outside world, I was fine. But inside, I was slowly dying.

In 2013, I had a moment. A moment that held a decision that would completely change the trajectory of my life. I had two choices: 1.) Stay in the marriage I was in, and continue living the life I was living, or 2.) Walk away and craft a new life for myself. Before I continue, I am not saying that anything I went through is anyone else’s fault. I am not blaming anyone at all. I made choices that led me to and kept me on a path that I stayed on until I changed course.

Changing my life was the hardest thing I have ever done. I often get asked how I did it. My short answer. I did it by putting one foot in front of the other towards the feelings I wanted to feel. I didn’t know at the time what exactly I wanted my life to look like, but I knew how I wanted to feel. As time went on, I became more confident in who I was, more trusting of my intuition and stronger. I started falling in love with myself and my life. I leaned into my feelings and spent time processing them. Practicing gratitude everyday helped me to look at my life with a beautiful perspective… Including my past which led me to where I was. I felt happiness and I felt safe. I started believing that everything I wanted and needed was already within me, I just needed to believe in my own power. Once I learned how to forgive my past, forgive those who had hurt me, betrayed me, and abandoned me… I found freedom.

Today, I sit here feeling the healthiest and happiest that I ever have! I feel successful, I feel grateful, I feel loved! I believe in myself and my power. I trust my inner knowing. I laugh every single day, sometimes I laugh a little extra for the days I used to not laugh at all. I have healed my scars. I have embraced my gifts.

Our health and our time is invaluable. I am so fortunate to never take either for granted, ever again. I invest in my health (money, time, thought, all of the forms of energy) and I protect my energy so strongly that I think deeply about where my time is spent!

Recently, I launched my Gratitude & Forgiveness course on the same day that I had to say goodbye to my kiddos (it was time for them to visit their dad, for a 3 week stretch). On this day I had felt so many emotions. So many conflicting feelings came and went. By 5:00 pm I started feeling numb to everything. Being such a deep thinker, and a sensitive person, this happens to me from time to time. When this happens, it reminds me of the days I sat in depression. It’s like I can’t feel anything. It is as though a grey hue overshadows my vision. No matter how badly others try, nothing helps. Sometimes, the only thing I can do is to go to sleep praying for a new day to come. The best news… on this particular day, 5.11.20, I was able to shift… into such a strong state of gratitude and forgiveness for myself, that I enjoyed a date night with my husband. I woke up the next morning INSPIRED. Inspired to create. And here I am now, writing this blog.

My friend. It is NEVER too late!

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